Codependent Mom
When My husband J.R. Mahon and I were in the throes of raising our three kids, he would often use the word “codependent.” In certain situations, he would tell me I was “being codependent” or “that’s codependent” and it would drive me nuts! I could never understand how what I perceived as being caring and giving could be construed as a negative thing. See, our kids were adopted through foster care. All of them carrying the trauma of early childhood neglect and abuse, some even in utero. So you might imagine the developmental and behavioral soup that was our everyday life. Looking back, and now going forward (because you never really stop being a parent), I’ve learned a lot and now I get it. Through spiritual direction, I was able to recognize it in myself and respond to my kids and in my other relationships in a healthier way. And in that, I am taking better care of myself and have begun to feel more peace and like my true self.
Codependency is usually defined as an unhealthy relationship where one person takes on the caregiver role, allowing another to take without providing the same support and care in return. It was first applied to caregivers of people with addictions (such as alcoholics) in the 1980’s but has since expanded to relationships where there are mental health or behavioral problems, domestic violence and emotional abuse. It can be hard to recognize codependence because it can look like the behavior of normal healthy relationships. In a healthy relationship, both people give and receive equally, but still retain their separate identities. It’s not unhealthy to have empathy and compassion for someone, and yes, people with addictions or mental health disorders have challenges that interfere with their ability to function. That’s why it’s often hard to recognize where compassionate care and help ends and where co-dependency begins. Here’s the thing…it’s when your desire to help goes past what is healthy and to the point of putting the other’s needs ahead of your own. You get stuck in the caregiver role and end up exhausted, frustrated, and burned out, often losing your sense of self identity. Without a firm sense of your own identity, your sense of self becomes inextricably linked to caring for your loved one. Also, it keeps the other person from changing and moving forward in their own health and well-being.
For example, one of my children has a mental illness and at times would not get out of bed. It can be a normal and loving act for me to care for them, wake them up for work, make sure they take their medication, and make their doctor’s appointments. However, in a codependent relationship, I am doing those things not just because the child (at this point young adult) needs them, but because I need them to fulfill my own emotional needs. Plus, the more I try to help and protect my child, I’m actually interfering with their ability to heal and grow. I may hide the damage their issues are causing, keeping them from seeing the reality of their own psychological state and recognizing the need for mental health treatment. I underestimate their abilities and compensate in ways that prevent them from acting independently or building new skills. For example, supporting them financially or taking care of basic household chores based on the presumption that they are incapable of working or performing them. When we do these kinds of things, in response, our loved one may assume a kind of learned helplessness that does not reflect the reality of their abilities, leaving them without the motivation or ability to test their own capabilities. As a result, the codependent relationship dynamic can prevent them from recovering and improve functioning.
Co-dependency is also a self-destructive behavior. Many codependents make tremendous sacrifices in order to please, care for, and protect their loved one; you may take on a disproportionate share of responsibilities and stop caring for your own physical and emotional health in order to focus on your partner or family member. For me, I have an autoimmune disorder. Instead of doing all the things I knew could help me get better, I did the bare minimum, the things I knew I could control. In some areas I did nothing because, “I don’t have time,” or “Who will watch the kids?” This caused a cascading effect on my physical health. And my mental health wasn’t always much better. I have struggled with anxiety and bouts of depression. In co-dependency your own needs no longer matter and maybe you don’t even know what those needs are. Worse still, you remain trapped in a psychologically damaged state. Participating in the dysfunction of codependency keeps you from uncovering your authentic self and engaging in the crucial work of healing.
So, are you co-dependent? Here are some characteristics of codependent people:
Fear of Abandonment
Low self-esteem and internalized shame
Anxiety
A need to control situations and people
Exaggerated sense of responsibility for others
A tendency to do more than your share, all the time
A tendency to feel hurt when people don’t recognize your efforts
Indecision
Your happiness is dependent on your loved one
Lack of sense of self outside the relationship
Difficulty identifying your feelings and those of others
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
A sense of guilt when asserting yourself
Resentment
The hardest thing about overcoming codependency is it can be extraordinarily difficult for you to recognize the nature of your own behavior. Rather than seeing your behavior and the motivation behind it as dysfunctional, you see your actions as expressions of love. If you identify with more than a few of these characteristics, whether it be with someone your dating, a family relationship, or friendship, I want you to know there is freedom! The first step is recognizing it, and then understanding how it manifests in your life. Spiritual direction can be a wonderful and beneficial process to work through our often complicated relationships. As a spiritual director, J.R. has done a lot of work with codependency with people. He can help you identify it in your life and will offer practical ways to work through your thoughts, behavior patterns and root out the problem. Through my own spiritual direction, I have a renewed sense of self that has allowed me to create boundaries that ultimately have created more peace in my life. I won’t lie. It can be difficult to take the focus off the problems of your loved one and look in the mirror at yourself. Even more difficult to admit that you may be part of the problem. But the more you understand codependency and bring it out into the light, the better you can deal with its effects and live a healthier, more fulfilling life!
Diane Mahon
Diane is the Director of Development for TableTop Ministries. Diane and her husband J.R. have been married 28 years and raise three kids adopted from foster care. The two live in Northeast Ohio where they run TableTop and The Retreat at Ridgewood. Follow @theretreatatridgewood on Instagram to see Diane’s day to day happenings and feel free to contact her at dimahon67@gmail.com.
