Grieving In Rite Aid
I keep thinking as I write this that I need to figure out a way to make this post lighter. But the fact is, grief feels like a heavy subject and is probably not one people talk about much. When you are grieving, you can often feel alone; like no one understands the depth of what you are feeling. You may think others don’t want to hear about your grief, or they can’t handle it, or that you should “just get over it already.” Grief comes in many forms. It could be the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, or even a big change, like a move from one place to another. Life is full of all these things because life is constantly changing. We can’t avoid the losses that come with living this life. So what do we do with grief? Grief can hit you harder at times or feel different than other times depending on the loss. For the sake of this blog I will frame it around the loss of a loved one.
The death of my mom was one that blindsided me for at least a year. I almost couldn’t function for a long time while my brain and my body processed the events leading up to it, and then the reality that she was really gone. Both of my parents died rather suddenly. My dad, got up one morning, drove to work and had a heart attack in the car. I was 17. The shock and trauma from that at such a young age was not something I knew how to deal with. There’s so much to unpack there. But this is a blog, not a book, so I’ll just say I went through the motions of life for several years. Pretending I was fine and doing what I could to mask and numb the feelings. I didn’t think it was ok for me to show my grief. I didn’t think anyone wanted to hear about it and I thought I was supposed to be strong. It was my husband, J.R. Mahon, who was able to crack open the cement door I had built and help me process the grief so I could basically breathe again. He has naturally been a spiritual director his whole life. Fast forward 32 years to the loss of my mom. When she passed, I felt like part of my foundation had been removed. She was the glue that held everything together my whole life and I admired how strong she was as I watched her survive the loss of my dad. She was incredibly supportive after the adoption of our kids and encouraged me almost daily. So this loss felt even bigger. Thankfully I was much more mature and had gone through many other losses, so I was able to allow myself to feel the feelings and ride the waves that came in my day-to-day life. I thought I would share with you a few things I have learned about grief.
The most important thing to do is to take care of yourself. Let the feelings happen. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Whatever you feel is what you feel. We’ve all heard of the five stages of grief. You may feel all of them or only some of them, and they don’t necessarily have to go in this order:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
It is good to pay attention to your body while you are grieving. Our bodies hold the energy of the things that happen to us. You most likely will feel a sense of shock and loss and it can affect your body in several different ways. You may have a loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, feel foggy and have a lack of energy. You might feel anxious about the future, or so weighted down by the loss that you get depressed. It’s important to recognize these as normal and take care of yourself. You may have neglected your needs while you cared for your loved one who passed. Or you may feel like you have a responsibility to other family members who have experienced the loss too. You may be burdened by questions about what happens after we die. Now is the time to listen to yourself and go with what your body tells you it needs. Many people end up with an illness because they don’t take care of themselves. Eat what you want. Go to bed early. Watch that movie (or binge the whole series of Friends). Cry whenever it comes. Even if it’s in the middle of Rite Aid because something reminds you of them. Not that I’ve never done that. Ok, I have. Mom and I made regular trips to Rite Aid during her visits. Crying can be a huge release.
For me, spiritual direction was vital. Being able to walk through the events of my mom’s passing with someone who could “hear” me express all the feelings, as she sat with me feeling the grief too, was incredibly healing. She asked questions. She helped me sit with God. I can’t tell you exactly how it worked. I just know I walked out of there each time one step closer to regaining myself.
Here are some effective ways to cope with grief –
Prayer
Meditation
Music
Artwork
Write letters to your loved one
Support Group
Exercise
Read
All of these can help you release the energy and deal with the feelings that come along as you grieve. Over time you will begin to spend less and less time and energy just simply surviving, and more time rebuilding your life. You will slowly start to pick up the pieces and put them back together again, but in a very different way because a significant piece of your life is missing and cannot be replaced. Eventually you will be able to let go of your loved one in the physical sense, yet hold on to them through your thoughts, memories and feelings. It doesn’t mean you let go and forget, it means you get to hold on and keep that person alive in ways that are meaningful to you. My mom would visit us in California every year for 4-6 weeks. My kids and I have certain phrases she used that we like to imitate. It is funny and heartwarming to remember her as we share in the loss, and yet remember how much she added to our lives, understanding we are all better for knowing her.
Psalm 34:18 says, “the LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Diane Mahon
Diane is the Director of Development for TableTop Ministries. Diane and her husband J.R. have been married 28 years and raise three kids adopted from foster care. The two live in Northeast Ohio where they run TableTop and The Retreat at Ridgewood. Follow @theretreatatridgewood on Instagram to see Diane’s day to day happenings and feel free to contact her at dimahon67@gmail.com.
